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Julie K

Change of Allegiance

It's June 2, 2013.  Well,  I made it my first church service at Jacob's Well.  I made it through an entire week of working harder than I have ever worked in my life.  I made it through more emotional pain than I have ever felt.  The cravings for the drugs are still there, the fear is still there, and I can't shake Paranoia to save my life.  What a nuisance.  I have so much to say but I still don't have the courage.  I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough but I can't let go.  I feel completely out of place.  Being around a bunch of beautiful women all day is difficult for me.  I am not good at making friends.  I am still judging people.  I am being tormented in my sleep.  And I am exhausted.  But I am still here.  Whew!!!  I went to the altar today to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus.  I didn't know what else to do.  I could hardly form words.  "Redeemed" was playing over the speakers. 

Today, looking back on this, I am reminded of a few verses that really speak to me regarding my allegiance to God.  I used to be a slave to the enemy.  No more.  

Colossians 1:13-14 - For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

I am being transformed from darkness to light, from slavery to freedom, from guilt to forgiveness, and from the power of Satan to the power of God!!!  AMEN!!

Colossians 1:21-23 -  Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.

I was a stranger to my own way of thinking.  I was my own enemy.  Sin was corrupting me and how I thought about God.  It made me hostile to His standards.  HOSTILE!!  There was no way for my sin to be removed and forgiven except through Christ Jesus.  No matter what I had done, or what I was like, God's forgiveness was waiting for me.  I am claiming that I am no longer a slave to sin, but my allegiance is now with the Lord!!

Titus 3:1-7 - Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.  At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures.  We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.  But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.  he saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by this grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. 

Give me some of THAT!!!  Please!  I did not deserve to be where I was.  I was a HOT mess and over the next few months, I would be dealing with some major personality issues of my own that would not be pretty....at all.  But God gives me His grace and mercy every single day!  I am renewed every day.  And as long as my allegiance is with the One who saved me, then I will continue to grow and learn every day!

Doubt

It's May 31st, 2013.  I am scared, I stand naked, and I am full of doubt.  I am ready to take the zero on this whole Jacob's Well and Jesus thing and I haven't even made it to the first weekend.  I know He is talking to me but I still don't get it.  It seems everyone is against me.  I can't even talk to anyone without them being offended.  I'm at work at the store in Hattiesburg, walking distance from the old haunts.  I am standing behind a clothes rack crying.  A woman I had never before seen in my life comes up to me and gives me a hug.  And then she says, "Julie, you are in the right place.  I know this isn't easy, but you need to press through.  This is for you.  God can do this for you.  I will keep you lifted up in prayer."  She starts to cry.  And then she walks away and out of the store.  I have never met this woman before in my life, yet she spoke my name and gave me a Word directly from the heavens. 

Susan said the day before that "Fear tolerated is faith contaminated."  I need to partner with people who will protect my nakedness.  In all honesty, I don't want to partner with anyone....sigh.

Romans 4:20-21 - Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. 

Doubt is something that is made up by the enemy (Satan) to take hold of my mind and keep me in confusion and unbelief.  He brings storms into my life to intimidate me.  What a liar!

James 1:5-7 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

What???  So all I have to do is believe?  That's it?

Lord, I want to be led by the heart, and not by my head.  Please give me a believing heart.  I desire to put all my trust in You and You alone.  I have sought security from people my whole life and I desperately want to feel secure in You.  Show me the way, Father, through your Word and through my circumstances and through other people that are walking out their salvation with You. 

Questions

I woke up this beautiful morning, surrounded by gorgeous women whom the Lord is calling into their destiny.  And I am in awe of His mighty hand all over the Women of the Well.  I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with them the past two days.  They have blessed me in so many ways.  I saw the ones who just came into the program.  It's as if I am looking into a mirror of who I once was.  I see girls that are about to graduate and fearful of the future but excited at the same time, because the Lord is already showing them His purpose for them.  I see girls who are struggling, and I see girls who are angry, and I see girls who are walking in the favor of the Lord.  And it is inspirational that they get up every morning and continue this journey.  

I remember my 3rd day at Jacob's Well.  I was FULL of questions.  About everything.  What I know now that I didn't know then, is that I had a problem with authority.  Go figure.  The questions about my stay went like this:  "Is this the right time?  Why am I here?  What are my motives?  Where is my connection with God?  I have to do this for 6 months?  Why don't people like me?  Why do I have to do it that way?  Don't I already know this?  What's going on outside of here?  Where is my husband?  What is he doing?  What am I doing here?  Why do I have to be nice?"  And so on.  I was a miserable person to be around.  

Then the Lord began to speak and this is what I heard Him say that day:
"I am refining you through your difficult circumstances, so please don't complain.  I am stretching you to develop your character.  You are in the perfect place for Me to test and shape you and bring you freedom.  Why do you doubt?  Why do you put so much emphasis on your performance for others?  Why do you judge others?  Why are you trying to be perfect?  Why do you question Me?  You can't force yourself through the course I am about to put you through." 

Then He spoke through His own word and I was truly convicted. 

Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Proverbs 6:16-19 – There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

And then the HOPE message:

Ezra 10:4 - Rise up; this matter is in your hands.  We will support you so take courage and DO IT.

Today, I worked at the store with the girls.  At the beginning of my stay at Jacob's Well, I could not and would not take instruction.  No way.  Today, I don't cause panic.  I don't cause strife.  I don't cause confusion.  I am still a work in progress, but thank God I am not who I used to be.

I was wrong.  I was way off course.

Proverbs 13:10 –Where there is strife, there is pride.  But wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Humility heals and pride kills.

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. 

He is not working to make me happy but to fulfill His purpose for me.

Job 42:1-3 - Then Job replied to the Lord, "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?'  Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know."

I do not need to know the reasons for everything that happens.  I am unable to see beyond today.  Will I trust God with my unanswered questions?

1 Peter 5:7 – Cast all anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

I need to trust God fully.  Letting Him have my anxieties calls for action and not passivity.  I need not submit to the circumstances around me

2 Corinthians 5:7 –For we live by faith, not by sight.

I still ask God questions all the time, but I am no longer questioning the authority that Jesus Christ has over my life.  I will fall down at His feet and lay it all out and if He answers right away, so be it.  If not, so be it.

Seek

I knew that my time at Jacob's Well Ministries wasn't going to be easy, but God never said our walk with him would be easy.  He said it would be worth it.  I will never forget my first day of work on the work and worship program.  It was definitely the hardest work I have ever done.  It was scorching hot in the back of the warehouse and tension was high.  It didn't help that Paranoia sat on me and hung out with me like a long lost friend. I had some major trust issues so everyone was my enemy.  I was so scared of the future, yet I was still hanging onto to the hope of the next day.  I sought solace in the Word of God.  I said to myself, "This is a spiritual program, the staff is seeking the Lord, they believe in the Lord, I can believe in the Lord."  I feel like knowledge is power, so the only way I knew to stay sane and get ahead was to submerse myself in what they were teaching me.  The Lord spoke to me time and again and always exactly what I needed at any given moment.  In my constant state of confusion and doubt, I just kept seeking.  

Isaiah 60:19 - The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your Glory.

- God doesn't waste my pain.  It is not my job to figure out His will.  I remember asking "What good is there for me?  What are my blessings?  What am I looking to get out of my past?  Are my wants and desires what is best for me?"  That is deep stuff!!  My wants and desires still sometimes get me all muddled up and confused about my true purpose. 

These next two scriptures that were given to me that day speak for themselves.  I am in awe of how if I just pay attention, the answers are right in front of me, in the living Word!!  It is alive and it saved my life.  I hung onto my chair some days (and still do!) and just said over and over that "God loves ME" and that was the only thing that would get me through another day.  I sometimes didn't even believe it myself, but it was all I had.  Everything else was gone.

Psalm 73:21-28 - When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.  Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

- AMEN and AMEN!!!

Psalm 107:17-21 - Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.  They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.  Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.  Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind.

- I brought my trouble upon myself.  I take full ownership of my own distress.  But I have hope.  God's gift of forgiveness is FREE.  My house was torn down and the land was for sale.  There were no more funds for the remodel that should have taken place years ago.  I spent them all on my own selfish desires.  But He offered to mend my broken house, to rebuild the memories there, and to restore the relationships of those who live in my heart. 

Times at Jacob's Well are about to get a little nutty and things from the distant past are soon to come to the surface......then healing WILL TAKE PLACE!!!

Love and Trials

Sleeping in!!  What a joy!  God usually has me awake long before the sun comes up so today was a treat.  All this morning, He has been showing me verses related to love.  And to love others even through trials of life, and to especially love Him through trials.  I had an amazing day yesterday traveling to Alabama with a friend.  It was a short trip, but our friendship is growing stronger each time we get in the car to go somewhere!  I didn't know how to have friends like this and I am blessed that God sees fit that I can handle it now.  I am definitely learning!  I shared with her yesterday about the situation with my children and it was an open door for Satan to push through and in turn I heard from the enemy all night, not just about that, but about everything.  Thank goodness I have a faithful Father who showed me this morning why I suffer and what to do when I do suffer.  If you have ever lost a child to addiction, whether it be to the state or to family, it is the hardest thing in the world to sit back, stop defending yourself, and wait on God's timing. I still have responsibilities to them and I intend to uphold them as able. I need to love through it.

On May 27th, 2013, I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and that was to walk across the threshold of Jacob's Well Ministry and walk into a peaceful place where there was no judgment, there was only love.  I was surrounded by beautiful men and women of God who truly cared for me.  They loved me when I didn't love myself.  It would be the beginning of a long journey that would be so very painful at times that throwing in the towel and going back to the street actually sounded like a good idea.  They exhibited the love of Christ and in my broken state, it was truly overwhelming but I am SO grateful.

Here is how the Lord spoke to me today regarding trials and love.  How to love everyone the way Christ loves us, even our enemies, even complete strangers.

2 Thessalonians 1:4-7b - Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.  All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.  God is just:  he will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well.

• I am not where I want to be, but I am moving in the direction He wants me to move.  
• I am being strengthened by the trials I endure and the patience I am learning.
•  Have perseverance and faith and trust in His timing.

1 John 4:7-8 – Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Song of Solomon 8:6-7 – Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

•  No matter what, when God brings love in, it lasts forever.  

Bring the Pain, because Joy ALWAYS comes in the morning!!

The Miracle

So, I couldn't sleep last night because of fear.  Fear is not from God.  Courage is taking one step past fear.  After much prayer and consideration, I AM going to move forward with this calling.  I will "flash back" from time to time to the not so distant past in order to show you what it was like to be pulled out my wreckage and into the loving arms of God.  It wasn't easy and I am so grateful for the men and women of God who took the time and had the patience to spoon feed me the Word that is speaking to me and is more real than anything I have ever experienced in my life.  

It was May 25, 2013.  Two days after my first dad would have been 51 years old.  I was still in bondage and a victim of circumstance and choices. I was alone, my marriage of only 3 short months was coming to an end.  I was broke.  I was scared.  I was living on the street.  I hadn't eaten or slept in days.  And then it happened.  A miracle like no other!!  I was walking down the street to the house I had been staying at, and I fell out from an accidental overdose.  As my body shut down and I stopped breathing I felt more lost than at any other time in my life.  Cars were passing by and not even stopping.  I was completely aware that my body was shutting down and there wasn't a person around who cared.  And the next thing I know, I was walking down the street again.  I felt the gravel in my hair and on my clothes and I couldn't even turn around because I was afraid I would see my own body lying there.  I was a dead woman walking.  I went to the house and sat on the porch and pondered if this was what hell was like.  I waited for the sun to go down, which meant that the world was still turning and I was still alive (by no means of my own).  And then I fell into a deep sleep.  All throughout the night I was vaguely aware of the chaos that surrounded me.  My senses were wide open to the truth of what my life was at that very given moment.  I can imagine the angels that were encamped around me for protection. When the sun began to peek over the trees, I heard the still small voice of my Redeemer calling me to walk.  And walk I did.  I had no idea where I was going, and I had no idea where my sweet husband was, but 5 miles later, I was miraculously at the front door of the place he was staying.  He saw me and hit his knees and cried out to a God I still had yet to know. 

Matthew 1:18-25 – This is how the birth of Jesus and Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

My husband should have left me.  He should have left me to deal with my problems alone.  Just by accepting me that day into his arms, he pledged to God that he would be obedient to His word and keep me safe.  Every single door had been closed to me, but God always offers a way out.  Always.  My husband would have been stuck with the social stigma of who I was, yet he obeyed anyway.  When our decisions affect the lives of others, we must always be willing to seek God's wisdom and follow through, no matter how difficult.  Even though others would disapprove of my husband's decision, he went ahead with what he knew was right.  Jesus came to earth to save me and to save you.  I thank Him every single day for his birth and his death on the cross for my sin.  He has full control of me now and my new life has begun.   I wasn't birthing the Messiah that day, but I was getting ready to birth my salvation through Him!!!

Romans 12:1-3 - Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what Go's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.  For by the grace given me I say to every one of you:  Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

This is for all of us.  Not just me, but for you too!! 

Father, thank You for who You are!  You are God alone!  I had no right to think that I could do this by myself.  Thank you for your Son, Lord.  Thank you for taking on the sins of the whole world by dying on the cross for me.  Come into my life and let me know you!  Help me to be obedient to your Word, God.  Deepen in me Your Spirit so that I may be able to listen more clearly to the voice that leads me into my destiny which is Your purpose and Your will for my life.  Amen.